Since shortly after the first round of chemo I have felt really, really good. One day I just came out of a fog that I didn’t even know I was in, and I suddenly thought, “Oh, there I am.” I had my old energy back and then some. That energy has been fairly constant, but for one hard week each cycle and a few side effects of treatment, and so as I near the finish (chemo round 6 is next week), I’m surprised to find myself a wee bit tired. And no, for those who know me, I’m not overdoing it (I’m cultivating some new skills, people, like resting and saying no; who knew?). I think I’m just tired and ready to get off the chemo train.
My days are mostly filled with hope and peace of mind, but cancer treatment is not a barefoot walk in the park and if it was you’d definitely want to put your shoes on and watch your step because this park is filled with stinky goose poop. Lately, I’ve found myself dealing with a lot of emotions, some irritating side effects, and the reality of a looming surgery next month which will tell us if all this hard work has been worth it. Watch your step.
I’m facing the massive uncertainty of (postponed) surgery and prognosis. I know I have literally done everything in my power to heal. Everything. I have worked so hard and my people have worked hard for me. All that’s left is maybe the hardest thing to do and that’s to trust.
In the book of Hosea in the Old Testament God promised to “transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.” (2:15) For anyone familiar with Hosea, you know God used the bizarre metaphor of Israel as a prostitute so you’re welcome for not going deep into the backstory here. But when God says this valley of trouble will be transformed into a gateway of hope – well, that’s just a beautiful promise isn’t it? There is a route through our heartbreak and it leads directly to green pastures and living water where we can simply be still. There is a place where we are redeemed from our own failures and shortcomings, from our own hubris that we should be it all and have it all, and from the notion that we could do anything really on our own power. God brings us back from the brink of our own doing and into the presence of our being where God abides. Which is exactly when our troubles transform.
The valley of trouble is not ours to navigate alone. Thank God. The gateway to hope is wide open and waiting for us…for me…when we finally get there.
Holding onto hope today. Trusting. And grateful for your continued prayers and love.
My morning mug and meditation…..signs of hope everywhere!
Kick it with Charla 
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